I had written a not so pleasant text message to my ex-husband. In the moment it felt justified. I had observed his behavior, heard stories from my children to back up my opinions, and with annoyance I shot off, what I thought was, a needed scolding in a text message. 

Now, I must first say that I have done a great amount of work, in that relationship, around not speaking shame. Through-out our marriage, and especially afterwards, I had weeded out my habit of shaming, not only my children but also my ex-husband. This began many years ago when I heard myself disciplining my children with shame. I realized the words coming from my mouth were my mother’s. It hurt to see how they affected my children, and how conditioned I had been in speaking to them in this way.  

Back to my scolding message… After I sent that text message off, I desired to sit again in meditation and connect with the beautiful feeling of the Divine that I had felt so many times before. Instantly, I knew I would first need to correct myself. I had treated my ex-husband in a way that was beneath him and beneath myself. 

About a week before I had been speaking with my friend Tessa who relayed a story about a young man she had met. He was on his way to a meeting of aboriginal tribes. While there the young man was chided and belittled by a prominent Elder who was upset over how he was building the fire for the evening's rituals. As the Elder was shouting obscenities at the young man, a strength moved within him and, as I was told, with great courage, he responded to the Elder with this message, “I deserve to be spoken to in love. You are speaking to me in anger, frustration, and pride.” 

Immediately I reached for the phone, knowing what I had to say. I texted my children’s father this message …

David, 

I need to apologize. I did not text you today from a place of love. It was from anger and frustration. I’m sorry for doing that. You deserve to be spoken to better, even if I had a concern. I will treat you better. Please forgive me.”

Notice I left the word pride out of this message even though it was a part of the message to the Elder. I didn’t want to send that, admitting that I did carry pride. But, I knew I did. And this became my contemplation in meditation when I began again. 

I have adopted a practice I use with my children, a small and easy tool I picked up along the way that has proven beneficial during hurt and conflict. When my children were very little, and I heard them in an argument, I would promptly tell them it was time to do “The Practice.” With rolled eyes and sounds of annoyance they would begin. This is how it works:

• The person originally angered/hurt says to the other:
• When I saw you do this (describe the action)
• What I thought was this (describe just the thought that came to mind, what they perceived was happening) 
• What I felt was (describe how it made them feel)
• Then the other person gets to respond 

Back in mediation, I began to ask the Divine to show me all my pride. I could feel it already, the countless times I had felt I am better than others -more evolved, more spiritual, etc. I was immediately told to honor my ex-husband, and then told to honor everyone I felt disdain for. 

I asked what it meant to really honor someone. I continued to ask to have more love and less pride, knowing the Divine could remove this from my heart. 

Then, the Divine asked me what I originally wanted when I started this sitting. I knew it was to feel the frequency of a vision of myself I had been sitting with and attuning to. The frequency began to come in and I felt it flood my entire body. 

After sitting with the frequency, bathing in it, I began pleading to know the Divine. To really know and feel the Divine. The desire was so overwhelming that I cried with tears and found myself saying that I would give up all my comforts and luxuries to know Pure Source. 

Now, I am a woman who absolutely loves comfort and luxury. Opulence is not a vice in my thinking! When I witnessed myself pleading to know the Divine and felt such a deep willingness to give all comfort and luxury away, I was a bit surprised. 

Instead of having my pride removed, I was asked to look at myself.  I was shown myself -The one who has searched my entire life for God. All the time I was looking for joy, wanting happiness, seeking wisdom, and learning.  My relentless searching for something -searching for God, deeply desiring connection, and knowing within myself who God was. 

A feeling of utter warmth began to pour into my head. It slowly moved down my body and settled into my heart -warming and lighting my core with intensity, with so many emotions that were not human emotions. It was warm, it was power, it was love. It was full, steady, consuming, and freeing. 

I sat there with the Divine feeling loved, feeling love for myself. The Divine was showing me who I was. Not reprimanding me for my pride, but showing me that I am one who has always deeply loved and desired the Divine. 

I asked why more people do not come to this place, feel this connection. The response was only “They do not seek it.”