As we go through life we stop observing reality in all its diverse and authentic detail. We start to see objects and symbols. This is best understood by looking at the way we draw. Many people use symbology in drawing: stick figures to represent people, two circles with a line in between for glasses. When you actually look at a pair of glasses, really look, most often they are not two circles with a line in between. We draw in symbology and we see the world through this lens as well.

In relationships, we associate people with titles (my husband, my wife, my etc.). This also is a form of symbology and because of the titles we give people, we disconnect from who they really are and begin to associate them with expectations. Too often this becomes our focus, and sometimes it’s in a negative way. We can get caught up in the disappointment of someone else not doing their job or living up to their title. We lose connection.

When was the last time you sat down and observed in detail your partner: noticing the new freckles trickling across their face, taking pleasure in a quirky expression they use often, watching how they meticulously move their fingers over the pages of a book. When they open a book, do they smell the pages of the book? Do you?

The practice of de-symbolizing and rekindling details is important. What do you truly see and feel—not what you assume should be there, but what is actually present? It’s about getting curious, deeply curious, about others and about life itself.

Writing about the details is a stance against too much efficiency. Slow down. Caress the fine details. Observe humanness. Uncensor yourself.

This is also a way to discover yourself. Your real self. Not the one you try and show the world you are, how you want to be seen, the way you want them to think of you. It’s much more vulnerable than that. But, it’s real!

After you have practiced these exercises, see if you can bring this into your connection with others. Start the deeper conversations you want to be having. People are aching for conversation below the surface. Go for the jugular when talking. Embrace the wisdom of discomfort. Orient to the unknown. Grant yourself and others permission to say the unsayable, then witness the unfolding of deeper connection.